Dating is hard. And complicating matters, was it possible my cat could be seen as, if not an outright red flag, a deterrent?
Cats come with stigmas. Everyone knows the outdated and offensive characterization of a cat lady — a stereotype conjuring images of solitude, eccentricities and probably cartons of ice cream.
But cat dads are associated with their own cultural hang-ups. There’s an entire study, for instance, that revealed our lack of sex appeal to women. There’s also a documentary defending us.
A clowder of stories celebrating cats and the L.A. people who love them.
And every now and again there’s a headline denouncing guys with cats, such as a recent New York Times dating column that advised straight men to “hide your cats.” No need, my cat does a pretty good job of that on her own.
Cat dads are aware of such perceptions. “You should get a dog.” That was the advice, says Laurence Konishi, from a female friend when he told her that he wanted to bring a pet into his life. “And I was like, ‘No, if I get anything I’m going to get a cat.’ She’s like, ‘A cat? Only lonely guys get cats.’”
The 52 year-old Little Toyko actor/artist ultimately adopted two female cats, Audrey, after Audrey Hepburn, and Sheera, after He-Man’s sister. “When I got them, I was thinking, ‘Here I am. I am that stereotypical guy without a girlfriend with cats.’ So I guess I am that guy. I turned out to be that guy, and I’m satisfied with my two girls.”
Cats, of course, are wildly popular. They are the second-most owned pet, behind dogs, in the United States, with nearly 33% of U.S. households having at least one cat, according to the American Veterinary Medical Foundation. Demographic data, however, is harder to come by. A spokesperson for the veterinary medical organization’s charitable arm, which conducts the research, says the group tracks income, education level and marital status but not gender, citing too many pet households having multiple adults.
But there is research on the romantic desirability of men with cats. It’s not encouraging. A 2020 survey of 708 young women found that, at least on dating apps, straight men posing with their cats would face an uphill battle, especially in comparison to those showing off their dogs. Overall, cat dads were seen as “less masculine,” “more neurotic” and “more feminine.” In short, “less dateable” than doggy dads. The paper even noted that cat dads were seen as too “agreeable” (read: pushovers).
The result of the study surprised its orchestrators.
“There’s some talk that women want men who are sensitive and caring,” says Lori Kogan, a professor in the clinical sciences department at Colorado State University and the paper’s co-author. “That’s kind of the stereotype of men with cats. So it seemed feasible to me that women would find men with cats more attractive because it has that connotation. But while women say that, I’m not sure that’s truly, truly what they want. There’s some conflict.”
I hope not, as I’m no cowboy, but when the study was released, Kogan and co-researcher Shelly Volsche, an applied behavioral scientist at Boise State University, were met with heavy criticism. Volsche says many a cat-dad defender wrote in arguing that they were perpetuating negative stereotypes. “It was what the data said,” Volsche says, noting that the only segment in their research that truly found cat dads as more desirable were, well, cat ladies.
“Cat women are going to be like, ‘What are you talking about? Cat men are great. They’re sensitive. They’re understanding,’” says Volsche.
That’s certainly the opinion of Mye Hoang, a Los Angeles-based filmmaker whose 2022 documentary, “Cat Daddies,” offers loving portraits of a series of men who have been forever changed by their cat bonds. Hoang says a motivating factor for her film was to confront cultural norms.
“A lot of people thought cat dads were weird,” Hoang says. “I think it’s less so in other countries, but in American societies it’s really about having a tough image and whatever would be considered manly, and that would be a dog. Most men are trained early on that a dog is a man’s best friend, so I think a lot of men don’t even consider a cat.”
Cats have at least been associated with women and mysticism since ancient Egypt and the goddess Bast, often portrayed as a women’s body with the head of a feline. Historian and author L.A. Vocelle documents the cultural perception of cats in the book “Revered and Reviled: A Complete History of the Domestic Cat,” which notes that centuries ago cats developed cultish, religious-like followings for myths that they could predict the weather or sense when someone was near death. In the Middle Ages, Vocelle writes that cats become closely associated with witchcraft, which allowed for men to more widely abuse both women and the animals.
As for why cats continued to carry certain stereotypes and dogs have not — there is no such thing as the ‘crazy dog lady,’ for instance — Vocelle has a simple and direct answer: “Dogs were never gods,” she says, noting that cats got mixed up in religion.
Vocelle finds criticism that cat dads are seen as feminine, neurotic or less desirable as a relatively modern and unfounded affliction. Her book, for instance, documents many famous men who were cat lovers, including authors such as Edgar Allan Poe and Ernest Hemingway.
“I don’t think any of these criticisms of being feminine, insecure and anxious can be attributed to Ernest Hemingway, who was a great cat lover,” Vocelle says. “If any of these descriptors are used, it would be, in my mind, because most of the great cat lovers have been artists, who are naturally more sensitive.”
But cats, like people, contain multitudes. While they can be trained, they’re also wildly independent. Though they love a good cuddle, they’re vicious predators. Such contradictions, that cats can be both domesticated and yet somewhat feral, is part of their appeal, says comedian Drennon Davis, whose four cats have found internet fame via his short-form videos. Cats, he says, haven’t impacted his dating life, but they are now part of his persona. It’s simply a given that any potential partner would have to be a cat lover.
“I feel like if you are a cat person or a dog person, definitely put that on your dating app,” he says. “You want to weed that out as quickly as possible. I haven’t used the apps in a long time, but even before the cats I made sure I had really weird photos of me making out with puppets or something. You need to filter all the normies out.”
Speaking from personal experience, I’ve encountered many a cat misunderstanding from non-kitty people. More than once over the 15 years that I’ve had my cat, Sleater, I’ve faced quizzical looks from dog owners on dates when mentioning I needed to either get home to my cat or spend a night in with her after a particularly busy couple of days. Dating with a pet — any pet — brings with it obstacles, but our cat stigmas aren’t helping.
“If you’re a dog owner, and you’re at work all day, and say, ‘I need to go home and let my dog out because he’s been alone for 10 hours,’ there’s a certain percentage of people who will understand that,” Kogan says. “If you say, ‘I need to go home because my cat has been by themselves for 10 hours,’ fewer people will understand that, even though, as you can attest, we have growing recognition that your cat really does miss you. There’s an extra challenge that comes with being a cat owner because of these myths and stereotypes.”
Eric Martin, 45, of the South Bay, notes his cat Bruno waits for his return in the window, running to the bedroom to jump on the bed in excitement when he returns. But Bruno is no wingman, like some dogs.
“It’s a conversation starter,” he says. “You can walk your dog out in public and cross a beautiful woman, then they go, ‘Oh my gosh. Your dog is so pretty. Can I pet her?’”
Hoang, however, says she filters for those open to cats when using a dating app. Understanding a cat’s complexity and autonomy could translate to someone who understands her particular needs.
“It takes so much to care for this little creature that can be so fussy and unimpressed all the time,” Hoang says. “It’s very different from a dog, where you can just play fetch. You really have to get to know a cat and learn what makes them happy, and I think that’s a good analogy for dating women.”
I asked Kogan and Volsche if I should remove the pictures of me and my cat from my dating app profile. Despite their study arguing I could receive more matches sans cat, they were both in agreement about keeping the pics.
“If your cat is a big part of your life, leave her there,” Volsche says. “What’s worse, or better, being single, or being with someone who doesn’t really want to be around because of a cat?”
True, the latter is the ultimate red flag.
